Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone agreed about everything?
How did you feel about it?
Sometimes it feels good to know everyone is on the same page, but when devising solutions to widely felt problems, one person's perspective might not be enough.
Plus, too high a level of harmony all the time can be deceiving. I sometimes find it eerie. If people agree too readily or too often, they might be hiding something - like how they really feel.
It's natural for people to have different perspectives or different ideas or different experiences. And when we voice those ideas effectively, we can work together to build a better solution than any one person could arrive at alone.
That means we're going to have to disagree sometimes.
And that's okay.
Disagreements can be helpful when done healthily and can be the teacher we never knew we needed. Disagreements don't have to be viewed so negatively - they can be viewed as an opportunity to learn more.
Unfortunately, most people grow defensive the moment someone has a different opinion than them. We aren't great at allowing other thoughts to permeate our perspective, especially when we come to the table with a specific agenda. But other ideas don't have to complicate your goals; they might redirect you or shift course slightly, but that's all for the best.
It's time we started viewing disagreements as positive interactions that we can learn from.
4 levels of disagreements
Organizational Psychologist Laura Gallaher, PhD, divides disagreements into four levels:
Level 1: "You're wrong."
Level 2: "You shouldn't feel that way."
Level 3: "Let me explain it to you."
Level 4: "I don't see it the same way, and I want to know more. Can you explain?"
Let's look at this [fake] conversation between [made-up characters] Rosalind and Frederick:
Frederick: Man, that's a really cool blue wall. I don't know how they found such blue paint, but I love it. It reminds me of the ocean. So blue. Blue, blue, blue.
(Rosalind enters and looks at the wall.)
Rosalind: Wow - I love that shade of red!
Frederick: Red? Pfft. It's blue.
(Gallaher would call this "Level 1: You're wrong." Here we're seeing denial - a complete shut down of the possibility of truth in what the other person is saying. Frederick knows his fact to be true and believes no other thoughts could possibly also be true.)
Rosalind: I'm pretty sure it's red.
Frederick: It's obviously blue. Why don't you learn your colors? You clearly have no idea what you're looking at. If you think that's red, don't try to call yourself an artist. No self-respecting designer would ever call that wall red.
(Frederick is getting defensive, and honestly a little rude. He is annoyed that anyone would challenge him, especially with something he sees as obvious. He is ramping himself up and driving himself toward "Level 2: You shouldn't feel that way.")
Rosalind: What makes you think it's blue?
(Kudos to Rosalind for asking a question that might inform her about something she hadn't thought of. She has an open mind and is interested in hearing Frederick's perspective.)
Frederick: Blue is the color of the sky, and the ocean, and this here pen. (Frederick raises up the pen he holds in his hand.) These are all the same color as that wall. You see Rosalind, when people see a color they recognize, they use the word we all agree is its name, and call it that. If anyone else walked into this room and saw this wall, they'd call it blue, too.
(Frederick has clearly jumped into "Level 3: Let me explain it to you." He's also being condescending and bordering on hurtful.)
Rosalind: Hmm. That's so interesting. Because I call the ocean red. I call the sky red, too. And this pen-- (she takes it from his hand) --is red. Just like that wall.
(Frederick is stunned. Everything he thinks he knows is crumbling within him. He doesn't understand why. Humbled, he suddenly remembers a blog post he read recently. He takes a breath to calm himself down and softens his approach.)
Frederick: I still call all of those things blue, but I'm interested in how you came to call them red. Could you tell me why you call them red?
(Ahh, here we are at "Level 4: I don't see it the same way, and I want to know more. Can you explain?" This stage is much more constructive and opens up the subject to the idea that other perspectives might exist. He can finally respect that idea without being ego-centric, defensive, or condescending.)
End scene.
Most people go through some combination of these steps, linearly or otherwise. Unfortunately, when we disagree, we automatically aim to protect our ego and start by being defensive, thinking there's no way we're wrong. We're steadfast in our convictions and will defend them fiercely.
It's great to be confident (if you can back it up), but even if you have one piece of evidence, someone else may have another piece of evidence that contradicts yours. Then what?
If we instead start with level 4 and acknowledge that other perspectives exist, we can view disagreements more constructively.
Disagree nicely
To disagree constructively, think about the fact that you only know what you know, but others only know what they know, and what they know might be more - or different - than what you know.
(I'll give you a second to read that sentence again more slowly!)
If we see that other people may have experiences, opinions, and data points just like we do, we'll be more likely to recognize that they're likely coming to the table with just as much conviction as we are. But if we are all open- rather than closed-minded, we can share all of those ideas and data and make sense of them all together rather than in a siloed fashion.
It's a mindset shift.
Disagreements don't have to be contentious: They are opportunities to learn more. To explore others' perspectives. To widen your worldview.
If no one ever disagrees with you, you may never learn any more than you know right now.
You would miss out on so much. Don't do yourself a disservice by only knowing what you know today.
Approach a disagreement with curiosity rather than contention. Rather than shutting down the other perspective, wonder about it. Ask about it. Explore it. Sit with it. Understand where the other person is coming from.
Then, look towards synergy.
Put all of your perspectives into the ether and let them marinate.
If you are in a situation where you need to arrive at a conclusion, ask yourself: If I have opinion A, and you have opinion B, what can we do with those together? Rather than wondering how you are going to make the other person think like you, wonder how you two can understand each other and come up with a solution that satisfies both of your beliefs and needs.
If you are in a situation that does not require arriving at a conclusion, simply be curious and respectful. Ask questions about their perspective, which is a powerful technique because it first requires that you acknowledge its existence. Asking the other person their thoughts shows you respect their thoughts and want to learn more. Ask what deeply rooted beliefs led them there. What evidence changed their mind along the way? How do they feel about it? Why?
Their answer may surprise you. What they reveal may provide clues about their motivations or goals, or they may end up clarifying their opinion, which may differ from what you originally thought they meant. There is no downfall to asking questions, and as we practice good emotional intelligence, we should always listen to understand first and foremost (not to reply or to be understood). If we listen to what they say and the context they provide, we may see a new angle that either appeals to us, gives us more information about their situation, or further informs about their opinion and how it compares to ours.
Then, reflect on your own perspective. Did it shift? Do you want to look for more data now that you can see another angle? Do you want to think of a better way to phrase what you felt before, now that you have more information?
If you do, that's great. That means you're growing.
It's okay to say, "You know what? I want to think about this a little bit more." Or, "You've given me a lot to think about. I appreciate your perspective and want to think about how this new information shapes my opinion."
You're showing maturity by shifting your opinion now that you have new information.
Maya Angelou is cited as saying, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." Do your best, and when new information is presented to you, consider how it might affect you or shape your perspective, then act on it. Changing your mind isn't necessarily a sign of weakness. It can be a sign of growth and maturity.
Now, you don't have to sacrifice what you believe every single time someone disagrees with you. There is a time and place for "pushing back." If you are conceding every single argument to other people, people may view you as a pushover; if you are repeatedly refusing to defend your strategy or programs in business meetings, you may lose the trust of your team. Being a leader means having to have conversations sometimes, and to do so with integrity and respect. But it also means knowing when to acknowledge other perspectives versus when to defend your beliefs, and, of course, how to go about communicating all of that in the most constructive way possible - which, in and of itself, is an art form. But it'll never hurt to at least consider the perspectives of those around you and to decide whether your opinion should shift or you should push back. Either way, facing disagreements head-on with grace will make you better at learning how to deal with them in the future.
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