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A Constructive View of Conflict

Writer's picture: Laura Hope GoldstoneLaura Hope Goldstone

Conflict.


What does that word make you think of?


Two boxers sparring. People shouting at each other. Blood pressure rising and heart racing.


Nothing good.


But here's an idea that can unlock worlds of possibility if leaders incorporate it into their mindset: Conflict can be constructive if it is treated properly.


At a recent management training session, I explored the topic of conflict with my colleagues. We all had very different views of conflict but all agreed it's inevitable.


Because we are all unique people, each with a totally unique set of skills, perspectives, experiences, beliefs, attitudes, values, language, and preferences, it's impossible for there not to be something in me that conflicts with something in you. That's not being pessimistic. That's being realistic.


But what's also important to note is that conflict doesn't have to have such a negative connotation. Conflict can be viewed as an overarching umbrella above a wide spectrum of interactions. On one end, you have a simple disagreement. On the other end, you have a hostile argument (we're dealing with the workplace here; "conflict" can certainly involve more violent actions, but physical conflict isn't going to be covered here). There may be other planes to this graph as well, since a disagreement about something that doesn't matter much to you is going to be easier to work through than a disagreement that challenges your deeply rooted values. And if it's not met with a constructive mindset and a compassionate outlook from the onset, that simple disagreement can escalate into a hostile situation.


But we're not going to let it get to hostility. Instead, we're going to focus on what conflict can teach us. We're always looking for teachable moments and opportunities to grow, and conflict is as good as any.


Conflict shows that two people think or feel differently about something. It's that simple.


It gets complicated when people take conflict personally, or steamroll the conversation, or attack the other person (verbally), or make accusations about their personality that are unwarranted.


In studying emotional intelligence, there are a few techniques I've found help when dealing with conflict:


1) Convert emotions from hot to cold


A hot emotion, like rage, is nearly impossible to deal with. But a cooler emotion, like frustration, can be worked with more constructively. If you are talking to someone who is enraged, you can help them cool off, but only if a) you know how they prefer to cool off, and b) you exercise high levels of emotional intelligence. If you tell someone who is furious to go for a walk, they might get angrier and stay there and yell at you. They might misinterpret your interest in helping them as rudeness or even elitism. You can't control what other people do--you can only control your own thoughts and actions. But emotionally intelligent communication requires exploring how other people feel so you can tailor your approach to what works best for them. Therefore, know how you react to conflict, think about how the other person might prefer to be communicated to, and act with compassion.


Try:

a) Suggesting you take a break so you can both cool off before having a constructive, mature, professional conversation. By including yourself in the break, you aren't attacking the other person--you are showing you need a break too, and that you want to have a helpful conversation, so you are doing something that you hope helps both of you work better together. Your intentions are pure and sincere and constructive, and that's important to convey.

b) Asking questions, and listen intently. Act as a container for the other person's emotions. If they are enraged, ask why. Ask what happened. Ask what they wish happened instead. Ask how you can help them. Ask if they'd be open to the two of you working together to devise a better solution together. Suddenly, you're on their team, working together toward a shared goal. Their rage will likely diffuse once they realize that.


2) Find common ground


If you can agree on something, the other person might not be as angry about the things you disagree on. This seems simple but works incredibly well. If someone is upset about something, you can either give their thoughts some validation, or you can find something else that you see eye-to-eye on. Finding something you agree on will convey that you two are not all that different, or that you're on the same team. But beware--don't do this just to distract from the matter at hand. Use this technique if you can find something relevant that you both agree on.


Examples:


a) You and Javier disagree about the way to write a financial analysis. You want him to include certain calculations that he thinks are unnecessary. Before the conversation gets too heated, you might take a moment to review the areas you do agree on, and to mention that you appreciate how much he cares about getting the write-up right. This may diffuse the situation and allow you to work through the discrepancies together.


b) In a recent cross-department meeting, you told the sales team you agree with their ideas, but in your private one-on-one, you told Ginny you disagree with the sales team's ideas. Ginny is upset with you for being inconsistent in your messaging and for betraying your team and your strategy. You might call out that communicating with the sales team is difficult in general, or that one of the sales team's ideas was good but that another wasn't relevant, or that we need to listen to their ideas even if we don't agree with them. You might even mention that you don't want to be inconsistent and that you want to hear Ginny's concerns so you can address them head-on. Ginny might "give you" that, agreeing with those points. Once you have found something to agree with Ginny on, and once you have listened to Ginny's perspective and feelings, you can revisit the matter at hand and openly discuss ways to vet ideas or facilitate cross-team communication or convey what you really felt without delivering inconsistent messages, which you know can dissolve trust quickly.


3) Focus on outcomes


First, use your role to protect your person. This comes in handy when having a difficult conversation with a subordinate. You don't want them to feel attacked, but you need to be clear and direct in your communication. If you lean into the idea that you have a job, and they have a job, and that's the focus of the conversation, then personal feelings don't have as high a pedestal in this interaction.


That then allows you to focus on the outcomes you want. Once you can filter the conversation toward facts and roles and outcomes, you are dealing with data and objectivity and evidence rather than feelings. Feelings still exist, and they are important to understand and give attention to, but if the other person is not able to behave professionally at work, or if they are the type of person to get aggressive when given bad news, talk about how it's your job to make sure x gets done, and it's their job to do y, and you both want z to be the outcome, so you need to work together to figure out how to make that happen.


4) Shift your mindset


If you approach interactions with empathy (or with a goal of being empathetic during the interaction), you are less likely to escalate into a heated, unresolvable conflict. As soon as possible, when dealing with conflict, take a breath, label what you feel, let go of any unhelpful feelings, and express your concerns in a level-headed manner. Be empathetic with the other person and with yourself. Take your time and keep your breath steady so your physiological response doesn't negatively impact the delivery of your message. Then, focus on working together to understand the problem and collaborate on a solution.


5) Get curious


An easy phrase to remember is "curious not furious." If conflict arises, wonder about it. Why does this person feel this way? Why do I feel this way in response? What does this say about them? About me? Are we two people who care deeply about our jobs and we just have two different ways of showing it? Do we have a shared goal we're working towards, even if we want to get there by two different paths? What actually matters here? Maybe the way it's done doesn't matter as much as the goal being achieved. Maybe the fact that you both care is something you can bond over rather than fight about. Maybe the more questions you ask, the more data you will have, which will help make your response more helpful. Maybe you don't know all the details. Maybe you are making assumptions that aren't true. Ask as much as you can to explore the situation as deeply and openly as possible before reacting in a way that could be hurtful. Focus on being constructive and understanding what's going on--not closing off, being defensive, or fighting back in an unhelpful way.


When you view conflict as something you can learn from, you suddenly see it as an opportunity, not a threat. Conflict teaches us what we care about. One of my college writing professors asked the class, "What enrages you?" And our answers showed a direct line to a deeply rooted value or belief--something within us that could drive positive action and social change if we channeled it positively. The same can be said of conflict. If we are empathetic, curious, constructive, and calm, and we recognize both our emotions and the facts, and we can at least agree that we both want a positive outcome, then we can work together to find a solution that benefits all parties. In the end, once the conflict is resolved and you have worked together on a plan for moving forward, you may end up being even closer with that person. You have worked through something together, converting a potentially negative situation into a positive experience that made you both better off.


If every instance of conflict could be viewed constructively, we wouldn't shy away from it--we know that leadership requires conflict resolution, and emotionally intelligent people work hard to resolve conflict constructively, so lean into it and make it work for you--and others around you. You'll all be better off for it.




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