5 Tips for Processing Your Emotions When Dealing with Conflict at Work

Our emotions give us information about what matters to us and can sometimes even spur positive action. But they can be incredibly difficult to sort through, especially among the layers and filters of professionalism at work, our values, and the give and take of "choosing which battles to fight."

When someone disrespects you, especially in a work meeting in front of colleagues, you may want to scream, "That's entirely unprofessional, inappropriate, and unfair." or "But I'm just sharing what you told me yesterday! Why are you disagreeing with me after we came up with this plan together?" or maybe even "Why are you saying something different today than you said last week, just because different people are on the call?" Maybe it would be better if we were all a little more candid, but in the meantime, I personally know what it's like to have that barrier of respect in the middle--that threshold of integrity where you fear repercussions for speaking up even if your sentiments are well-intentioned and values-driven. Even if your argument is rooted in fact. Even if you know all the "rules of the game," since you've been playing it for over 15 years.

So what do we do? We often shut down and sit there with racing hearts and stunned minds, and we "take it." We try to let go and move on, but the memory of the negative interaction keeps nagging at us, pulsing in the backs of our minds no matter how much we distance ourselves from the situation.

When a single moment from work sticks to you so deeply that you can't stop thinking about it, even while you're trying to do other things, it's time to take matters into our own hands. We need to pause, take a step back, evaluate the situation, look inward, and then create a plan for externalizing our values and beliefs in a way that is meaningful, constructive, and values-aligned. The goal is to process our emotions in a way that drives better behaviors and outcomes in the future. And like most things in life, it all begins with a little reflection.

I put together a five-step reflective framework to help you process this highly emotional situation with empathy, curiosity, and integrity.

1) Is this really a problem?

This question helps us evaluate the situation as objectively as possible. I know, it seems like it would be nearly impossible for us to answer "nope--it's not a big deal" and then brush it off and go on with our day like nothing ever happened. Sometimes, that's all it takes, though. Early in my career, a mentor advised me to ask myself: "If I don't think it's a problem, is it still a problem?" I look at this as a grounding exercise. Sometimes distancing yourself from the way you're labeling the situation, or looking at it from another view (like an aerial view, or from a third party's perspective), can help you gain objectivity and sometimes even indifference, acceptance, or closure. Either way, you'll gather insights into how deeply this matters to you.

Other ways to phrase this are:

Am I making a bigger deal of this than it truly is?

Or

Am I making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be?

Yes, we are getting into areas of subjectivity here, but this is your self-awareness practice, and as you look inward, you might start remembering other things that happened in the past with the same person, or similar situations that ended badly at previous workplaces, or horrific stories you heard from friends. Asking "Is this really a problem?" is meant to help you look at the situation as objectively as possible. But if it's not easy to see whether something is factually a problem, since we are often clouded by the way we color a situation, then this shift in messaging--to wondering about whether we are making a bigger deal of the situation than it needs to be--will help you evaluate your personal interpretation of the situation rather than just the situation itself. You can't control the situation, but you can control the way you interpret it. Just know you have all of these variations at your disposal to choose based on what serves you best.

One tip to help you at this stage is to think about the language you are using when you think about the situation. What labels are you using to describe the interaction? What adjectives come to mind? Are they accurate? Are you hyperbolizing? (I use hyperbole all the time. ... Get it?) The words we use, especially in our self-talk, matter. Maybe the language and labels aren't helpful, and we can make a shift to lessen the pain we feel. Or maybe the labels are appropriate and we need to stop brushing off an issue that needs to be dealt with. This is your chance to pause, take a step back, and evaluate them to determine what works best for you.

Another way to evaluate the situation is to ask, "Is this worth my attention?"

While the original question might cause you to feel a little defensive ("No, of course I'm not making a bigger deal of it than it is! It is a big deal!"), this reframe allows you to feel more confident, coming at the situation from a place of self-care and preservation. In using this message with yourself, you acknowledge that your attention is worth something, and you are the one who gets to decide whether this problem should take up any space in your mind.

The warning here is to not avoid dealing with something that truly is a problem, and to not deny your feelings. This is just a quick pulse check to ground you and make sure you're not letting your emotions cloud your judgment. (Even if you are, there's something to learn here. There's always something to learn!)

2) Why does this matter so much to me?

Okay, so you answered "it's still a big deal" in question 1. Fair. Now it's time to get curious, and you have to turn inward to reflect on WHY this matters to you. A great exercise is to map the situation to your values.

Try this framework:

When [action] happened,

I felt [emotion],

because I care about [value].

Here's a real-life example from my experience:

1. When I was in a meeting, and one person was outwardly rude to me, and my colleague defended them, not me,

2. I felt disrespected,

3. because I value honesty, loyalty, and integrity.

Now, let's add a bit more depth. You can expand on the story or reflection, apply the framework multiple times, or add context afterward to paint a more complete picture.

Let's continue with my example from above:

When I was in a meeting, and one person was outwardly rude to me, and my colleague defended them, not me, I felt disrespected, because I value honesty, loyalty, and integrity. I expected my colleague to show me respect in a team setting, to stand by their word, and to take a less political approach to the situation. I value integrity, and my colleague values self-promotion, so I can see where we clashed. This matters to me because I work hard to maintain my values at work, even when it's hard. I expect others to do the same, and I feel disappointed when they don't. And I also don't appreciate being put down in a team setting, especially when I am such a hard worker, high achiever, credible resource, and experienced veteran. This felt bigger than the situation; I felt my reputation was personally being bashed simply to lift others up, and that conflicts with my belief that we rise when we lift each other up, not push others down.

By getting in touch with our values, beliefs, and motivations, we can learn what matters to us and why. We can identify our triggers and reflect on the hierarchy of what we care about. We can equip ourselves with information about the way we perceive the world around us and the way we internalize external experiences. This is all incredibly valuable data that will fuel better interactions and values-alignment moving forward.

3) How could I benefit from interpreting this differently?

You may need to convince yourself that a reframe will benefit you. (It's like applying WIIFM to yourself!) This could help you interpret the current situation differently, or you could arm yourself with a more positive mindset before entering into similar situations in the future. Either way, reflection now will help you tenfold.

Try reflecting on your interpretation and then considering the benefits you'd glean from reframing using this framework:

I interpreted this situation as [x],

but if I reframe it as [y],

I might be able to benefit from [z].

For example, if I interpreted something as being personally disrespectful to me, but I reframe it as the other person not knowing how to communicate effectively or committing inconsistent messages because of their issues with office politics and authenticity, then I might be able to benefit from letting it go because I'd gain peace of mind. I can maintain my confidence that I did what I did in the moment because it aligned with my values of integrity and honesty, and next time I might lead with that explicitly or prompt the other person to share what we discussed so they don't have a chance to negate me just to appease the other people in the room.

Whew.

As I'm visualizing these positive outcomes, and shifting the focus to a more neutral interpretation, I'm already cooling my emotions and considering the situation from a lighter, more opportunistic perspective. That's what we want!

4) How can I use this as a learning opportunity?

What can we learn from the situation and our reflection on it (building on the previous insights)? There is always something to learn.

Here are some prompts:

• What can I learn about my values? My interpretations? My triggers?

• What can I learn about the other person and their motivations, beliefs, and values?

• How did I respond to someone triggering me in this scenario? How do I feel about my response? What can I do differently next time to respond in a way that feels more meaningful and values-aligned to me?

• What was the outcome of this interaction? What outcome do I want instead? How can I get there?

• What is within my control to change or influence change? What would that process look like, considering conversations, actions, and outcomes?

• What is outside of my control that I have to learn to deal with or let go of? How can I do that effectively, without conflict avoidance?

• If this situation isn't fruitful, what can I do to create better opportunities to allow myself to succeed and thrive? (This one may be especially helpful if you are dealing with a repeat offender or you've experienced the same situation several times and things aren't improving.)

5) What do I want to happen next time?

This is the point where you can form an action plan for the future. Take the information you just sorted through regarding your values, beliefs, motivations, triggers, reflections, interpretations, and lessons, and come up with an action plan. It can be light, you can keep it flexible, and it can be broadly worded. But don't skip the piece that focuses on behavior change. Reflection is vital; so is action. If you think about doing something differently, but you don't actually change, that's not successful (yet). Action is required to shift the script and usher in a new future.

You could word this as a promise to yourself:

Next time, when I am triggered by [x],

I will do [y],

to maintain consistency in my value(s) of [z].

If it's easier for you, you could also flip this framework on its head and start with the outcome, working backward to determine the behavior and divulge the reason it matters:

Next time, I want the outcome to be [z].

In order to achieve that, I will do [y]

to mitigate being triggered by [x].

Z can be an emotion you feel, or a project status, or someone else's response, or any tangible outcome. It helps to keep things within your realm of control whenever possible, but I know that is not always possible. Y is your action. That is 100% within your control. That is the most important part. Focus on what you can control--your thoughts, your emotions, and perhaps most importantly here, your behaviors. You won't be able to control X, since that is probably going to be someone else's words or behaviors, but you can a) get better at identifying your triggers, b) learn what matters to you, and c) get better at responding to conflict in a way that is more meaningful (and peaceful) for you.

The Humanity and Learning Power of Emotions

Don't forget: Having emotions is not negative. It's natural. It's human. You're going to feel certain ways, especially when values are threatened or beliefs are being conflicted with or conflict is causing tension in the workplace. It's not easy to deal with. But you can do this.

There are lots of ways you can deal with situations with greater emotional intelligence, and if you follow my content, you'll hopefully find value in a lot of my resources and stories. The above framework will help you reflect on situations after the fact. With deliberate practice, as you are able to call on these reflective skills more readily, you will be able to incorporate them into an intentional pause in the moment the situation is happening. Doing the work now will help you exponentially in the future. There's no downside; only upside. I hope this helps you along your journey!